[*] winner of the "Best line of the book" award as awarded by my friend Ted, who insists on saying it over and over and laughing hysterically. Freak.

[**] Author's insertion: I actually was told pretty much this very thing by the aforementioned local wise scary-as-me omni-voiced man about a year and a half ago, but I was too much of a dunderhead to really get it at the time.